15 Things Concerning the 53rd Grammy Awards (you may not know, and probably don’t care about)

1.  It’s the 53rd, or 52nd, or 51st Grammy Awards.  It’s not the 2011 Grammy Awards.  It’s not the 2010 Grammy Awards.  In fact, it was originally called a Gramaphone Award, and the show was called “The Best on Record.”  The period of eligibility changes slightly each year, and this year’s dates were roughly September 2009-September 2010.

2.  Yes, apparently you CAN thank The Academy.  I thought that was reserved for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but nope, The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences also exists in all it’s empty glory.  There is a Latin Academy also, and they run some other bullshit awards ceremony!

3.  When you write a song about how bad ass New York City is, and how it’s better than, well…everywhere, you don’t get invited to the Grammys to sing your song, even though you should have been, because they hold that shit in LA, land of a million pretentious assholes, er…Movie Stars!

4.  Lady Antebellum, ughhh, what do I really have to say here.  Okay, I’ll give them Best Country Song, and Best Country Album and Best country Performance  if they want ’em, but c’mon…Song of the Year? And, Record of the Year?! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me here.  Honestly, I think Eminem should have won, and I don’t even like him all that much (as in, I own exactly zero Eminem albums).

5.  Original Alternative music died in the 90s.  The “current” nominees included the rather non-contemporary bands Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, them Crooked Vultures and Ozzy.  Oh shit, wait…that’s considered “Hard Rock” these days.  The new alternative is what me and my friends used to call “indie” and included Arcade Fire, Band of Horses, Broken Bells, Vampire Weekend and The Black Keys.

6.  Iron Maiden.  Still epic!

7.  Yes, Dangermouse is awesome, and at least they recognized it.  He may not be prolific, but he makes a fucking great few a year, and that deserves respect.

8.  Singing a song about telling you cunt ex-girlfriend to Fuck off while Muppets sing your back up vocals is not only hilarious, but stunning that Cee-Lo could pull it off seeing as Katy Perry’s tits were too big for Sesame Street just a few months ago.  Most kids that watch Sesame Street are pretty damn familiar with huge tits in the first place, aren’t they??

9.  Train made good on a promise to Howard Stern.  Good for them.  If only that bastard was actually on the air Monday morning to discuss it, but apparently Valentine’s Day is a god damned national holiday for him, and he took the whole week off (and probably next, as well).

10.  We all know it’s kinda funny that there’s a Best reggae Album, Best Zydeco Album and Best Polka Album.  But who the hell even knows what the Best Hawaiian Album, Best Tejano Album, Best Norteno Album and  Best Banda Album even are, let alone what the f they sound like??

11.  “Record of the Year” should really be called “Recording of the Year” because that is what the mean.  The fact that Lady Antebellum was even in this category is why I know even the Academy doesn’t really understand their own terminology.   Nearly none of the people who are producers and engineers were actually nominated in those fields were also nominated in Record of the Year.  I’m supposed to believe that theiry performance of that song was so spectacular that even the best recording engineers and producers in all of music couldn’t make a better recording than this??  If it was called “Engineer of the Year” nobody would even care who was nominated.  Oh wait, that is a category…bet you didn’t even know, did you!

12.  It’s entirely possible, but complete bullshit, in my logic mind, that an album can win “Best Album of the Year,” but not win the award for “best of” within that specific genre.  This year, Arcade Fire won the Grammy for “Best album of the Year,” but lost to The Black Keys in the category for “Best Alternative Album.”  That apparently means that in the narrower genre of alternative, The Black Keys were just more “alternative” than Arcade Fire, but didn’t write the best “overall” album of the year.  Sounds like shit to me.  Like a co-worker said during this conversation at work, this is like a cartoon winning Picture of the Year at the Academy Awards, but not winning Best Animated Feature.  Seriously, wtf??

13.  the Beatles won another one

14.  and the Doors won their first one

15.  and there’s no way Gwenyth Paltrow and Barbara Streisand should ever appear on my tv, ever!

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